


Stages of grief. .Bargaining

by Surisun



Series: Too late for Stiles [4]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crying, Dying Stiles, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt Stiles, Multi, Suicide, aftermath of suicide, self blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 07:42:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12228546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surisun/pseuds/Surisun
Summary: Scott thinks about how clueless he was when he let Stiles deteriorates , he is drowning in a world of hopelessness and he thinks he is alone but he is not , there are others who share his guilt , too





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to the previous works in the series and it will be hard to understand if you don't read the previous works first ..  
> Enjoy :)

Bargaining. ..

" where are you going Scott ?! Hey ! wait.." his mom voice sounds scared but it doesn't stop him.  
He runs and runs and runs till his heart is about to explode, the folded paper in his hand feels so heavy ,like it is made of iron either that or he is just suddenly lost his powers and he is not the strong big bad ass wolf who can kill anyone if he wants with closed eyes anymore. The paper burns like it is laced with wolf bane, he wants to throw it away except he doesn't dare..  
The road under his feet becomes gravel but he doesn't stop, His chest feels tight as he doubles down wheezing, an old crashing feeling of impending asthma attack is filling him,  
" _it is not an asthma attack , it is a panic attack "_

  
A painfully familiar voice echoes at the back of his head , a memory of that one person that he doesn't want to remember right now because it is already too much.Scott gulps the air and his head starts to spin,

  
" _I used to get those when my mom died"_

  
He falls to his knee crying, his throat closing and his eyes blurring , it is too much, he feels like his soul is seeping out of his body and it hurts ..It hurts so bad...  
He trembles as he fall to the ground , can't find his voice to cry for help or sob his pain , and when the black spots dance in front of his eyes he gladly welcomes the oblivion.  
......

  
He wakes up in the middle of the woods , the sunlight is a shade between red and violet as it sets. It looks so beautiful as it drowns the falling leaves in a soft shadow of orange and for anyone else it should look so peaceful except that Scott Mccall can't find any peace anymore.  
He stumples as he stands and walks like a drunk sailor. His limps are heavy but his heart is even heavier. His tears fall to the ground leaving a trace behind him to where he finally decides to go . Not home , that is for sure , no , he is is heading for somewhere else.  
When he reaches the building, he is already panting with effort.  
Still, he knocks the door several times with no answer, except he knows that Derek is inside since he can clearly hears his heartbeats behind the closed door,

  
" Derek, open up "

  
He calls weakly, and knocks again,  
" Derek, I n-need to ...talk to you "

  
But the door stubbornly ramains closed and Scott gets desperate,  
" Derek, please, I need to speak to someone. .."

  
He sniffs and knocks again , not budging till Derek finally throws the heavy door open with a bag in his hand like he was already planning to open it and leave .  
He passes Scott like he doesn't even see him and walks out with a bag in one hand and car keys in the other, his face is blank but a thick trail of sourness shadows him.  
Scott doesn't understand why he suddenly have to chase the beta to make him listen , his fried nerves and tossed brain are already shutting down,  
" Derek. .Derek wait ! Hey ! I need to to talk to you! "  
He weakly fights the older wolf over the car door, gripping his hand like a drowning man holds for the last waft of life,  
" where ? Where are you going? "

Derek pushes him hard , his duffle bag falls under the car and he doesn't even bother to pick it , he is frantic to leave , so he keeps trying to open the car but his hand is shaking so hard that Scott can notice from his place few feets away on the dirt,  
" Derek ! What?! What are you doing? "  
He tries again because it doesn't make any sense, and he can't put up with more shit right now,  
" Derek , please don't l-leave..I ...I need to tell someone...Derek ...I did a horrible thing! I think..oh God ! I..I think I killed St-Stiles"

The time stops for a moment, Scott holds his breath but Derek breath picks up, the older beta turns to face him , his eyes wide and he is shaking worse than before,  
" w-what?"  
"He..He left me a litter..it was me I - I made him do it Derek ! I killed my b-best freind"  
He sobs hard and buries his face in his hands, he doesn't know if he can ever riase his head again and face the world knowing that he was the reason Stiles took his own life away , he doesn't know how he can live with it,  
" I ..shit. .His d-dad came to my house yesterday and as-sked me if I k-know why St-Stiles did it! but I didn't know then ! I swear ! today I found this litter in my gym b-bag and..shit shit. .I ...I. ."

" n-no" Derek whispers and if it is not for how terrified he sounds, Scott wouldn't look at him . The beta is on his knees now shaking his head,  
" no..that can't be true , He left me a litter!"

" what? Why would he leave you one t-too , I mean h-he blames me for D-Donvan ! But you! Why would he blames you?! Why? What did you do?!"  
Derek looks at him confused,  
" Donovan ?! Who the hell is that? How did you hurt him Scott?!"

" it ..It happened before you came back. ..It is not ...I mean it was a misunderstanding. .but you, Derek , why would Stiles blame you ?"

" I .." the older wolf tries to put it in to words ,  
" he thought I used him, like , em-emotionally. .He thought I never respected him "  
Scott knows the words meant much more, the way that Stiles must put it together probably sounded horrible, if his own litter is an indication for what Stiles was going through,then Derek's would be hellish ,too ..

Suddenly, the guilt in his chest grows several notches , how much exactly did Stiles have to deal with? What did they do?  
The new realisation washes over him like a bath of cold water, his wolf howls in pain and anger and he finds himself standing up with a new purpose in life,  
" why Derek ?! Stiles was nothing but good to you ? He saved your life at least ten times. .."

" and he wasn't your best friend? ! He didn't save your life?!" Derek cuts him shortly, his face now red with anger,  
" you hurt him too Mccall , a minute a go you were drowning in your guilt so don't you dare to suddenly blame me like it was only my own damn fault ! "

" well , I know what I did ! but if you jerk didn't run a way when this pack needed you ! When Stiles needed you , non of this would be happening now, so yeah it is your freaking fault, too ! "

They jump on each other snarling and grunting, Scott is still crying but he is not minding a destruction, he pushes the older wolf hard against the car , his clenched hand bloodless around the front of Derek's shirt ,

" I apologised to Stiles! I freaking apologised a hundred time, Derek! but I can see that now ! Stiles would never do it if you didn't push him away, you jerk!"

" get the hell away from me " Derek tries to push him away, his eyes shine blue and his fangs extend involuntary,  
" I did nothing! He obviously wasn't stable! He needed to go to a mental hospital long time ago!"

" shut the hell up ! Don't you dare say that!!"

They are about to engage in some sort of an epic fight till a soft clapping echoes and a cracking voice speaks,  
" oh! Bravo ..so what?! We all care about Stiles now , don't we?!"  
They turn around to find Lydia standing there deshiveled ..her face blotchy red and her hair sticking out in every direction, she looks sick or maybe even dying by how gaunt and thin she seems, she continues in sarcastic yet flat tone,  
" we all love him and non of us did anything to hurt him, right?"

Scott is so surprised with her appearance, he turns to face Derek only to find him looking to the ground beneath his foot like he is afraid to meet the Banchee's eyes,

" it is Stiles fault right?!It is Not you being selfish Derek or you being clueless Scott, and certainly not me being stupid , thinking I can have everything only so I end up losing everything "

" Lydia , what are you doing here?" Derek suddenly snaps out of the guilt subdrop he is having and asks her but she smirks and rolls her eyes,  
" surprisingly enough, I had a feeling I would find you two here, so I thought since we all partners in crime , I can speak to you..After all you are the only ones who would know what guilt tastes like! No one else will ever understand"

They don't say anything ,they don't even ask her how does she know about their personal litters and what they did.  
Suddenly , all the fight and the anger leave them and they are all start to drop down like heavy sacs of flour, sitting on dirt with their back to the Camaro tyres for a long time , the sky is dark blue and the air is chilly , but the don't mind, everyone sinks deep in his own world for hours before Scott dares to speak,  
" I miss him...so very much..everything around me reminds me of him somehow..and I can't just...turn it off ..the feeling of unsuffrable guilt and shame that is drilling at my chest making it hard to breath...God I don't know if I can live with that..."

He sniffles,  
"Shit, I messed up , I messed up big damn time, I know what I did and I will never forgive myself, but then when both of you say he left you litters too , I feel like I am suffocating all over again! Because that only means that you must have done something too, so how much pain exactly Stiles had to live with on daily basis?! The three of us, the people who should have been closest to him, we hurt him like this, we failed him and it kills me, It guts me , I hate myself ... before this whole ware wolves and packs and stuff, all I had was Stiles, just Stiles, my brother and my wing man who was always at my back" he chuckles a little bit but the tears rolling on his cheeks never stops" I don't want to give my self excuses, but it is just when you are a teenager who's life suddenly turns up side down, no one tells you to watch out for not to get lost in this new great world and to make sure not to hurt your best friend in the process. .but now , I do know it is too damn late and useless ..God...I don't believe how much blind I was! It is just I wish he just spoke to me earlier, spoke to me more ..."

Derek cuts him,  
" he probably did "  
Scott looks at him confused,  
" he probably tried to reach to you , maybe even more than once, it is just ...It was so subtle that you missed it. ..It is funny how a boy who couldn't shut up was so shy when it came to what he really feels..I bet he said what he really wants to say few times only he coated it with sarcasm and jocks , that no one ever thought it was true..."  
Derek frowns and shakes his head ,  
" you know what is the worst thing about it? That we are werewolves! We have super senses and powers yet we all fell for his little human plays ..We choose to believe he was fine because it was the easier choice, I mean , he was freaking strong for human , he always bounced back no matter how bad he was hurt ! So yeah...It was easier to miss out all the freaking signs...Stiles..He was something else, so damn strong! ...I was the one who found him in the bath tub, you know?"  
The shock on both Lydia and Scott faces says that no, they don't know , Derek feels the shame burns in the pit of his stomach,  
"I found him and I didn't even call an ambulance ..Once more I assumed that everything would be okay ! That I don't have to make any thing to fix things when it came to Stiles.because, hello, he is Stiles!! ...so you can hate me ! God know I freaking hate myself "

  
Something in his words shake them deep in the core but Lydia is the one who jumps up and starts running,

  
" Lydia. .wait" Scott follows her confused and hesitant, his wounds are still open and raw, he still needs to talk about Stiles, he still needs to feel he is not alone in this,  
" wait ..Please why do you want to leave , Lydia, stay"

  
Her face however, doesn't relax and she doesn't seem to care about what he needs ,so, she doesn't sit down, instead, she is standing stiffly, holding herself tight, looking at the ground and shaking slightly, Scott can almost drown in the scent of her misery and guilt,  
" why Scott?! If you are waiting for my turn to tell you what I did , why Stiles left me a litter ,then you are wasting your time, I don't belong to you and Derek, you may hurt Stiles but at least you did it unintentionally! Me on the other hand, I. ..I did something terrible! Something that I knew it was wrong and it would hurt him! I thought I was so smart covering behind myself but I wasn't! I was stupid bitch and I pushed him to do this"

  
Shocking as it sounds, Scott despite being curious, is more concerned about her than the reason Stiles left her a litter,  
" Lydia. .Please speak to me whatever you did..We will ..."

She shakes her head violently,  
" No Scott you won't! You can't forgive me! If you knew what I did to your best friend you will hate me forever. .and I know I deserve it.. I know ..but right now my own head is torturing me enough, I can't. .I can't. ."  
He tries to touch her shoulder but she flinches and take a step back,

  
" No.."

" Lydia. ."

" I have to leave "

  
He stops her again,  
"But.. Lydia , you are not. .. _you won't do something stupid would you?"_

  
She looks at him for the first time, her face pale and her eyes congested and teary, her whole image is _wrong_ and it makes the unease in Scott's stomach grows several notches, still she says bitterly,

  
" you mean hurt myself ? No Scott I don't deserve that kind of relief "

He watches her walk slowly and something inside his chest crumbles , for some reason he doesn't really believe she is going to be okay.

 


	2. The litter

Scott was laying down on bed when his eyes caught the white paper pocking from his half open gym bag,  
"Scott..  
My partner in crime. .  
My brother from another mother ..brothers by all but blood ,right?  
Yeah... _No_...  
I guess we used to be that long time ago , but then life changed and you didn't have the slightest hesitation in replacing me whenever you got a chance, right?  
What you did to me Scott hurt because I have never been expecting it from you.  
I thought we covered each other's back .. but I guess I was little bit over trusting and naive...  
So sure,,life did not treat us the same way, you had been bitten and got to turn in to a werewolf while I remained a weak human , you had a beautiful girlfriend while I continued to be ignored by the girl I had the longest crush on in the history of crushes, you became a true alpha while I was possessed by an old Japanese fox soul, and the list goes on...  
But it is okay..It was me who was invalid , it wasn't your fault that I was pathetic and you were lucky .  
I don't blame you for that..  
What I blame for Scott is that you threw me behind like a used rag and replaced me with every possible alternative.  
I never hated Allison or Kira , never..but I hated how you ignored me once they entered the room like I suddenly had turned in to a freaking transparent ghost.  
I thought it was about girlfriends so I patiently gave you all the space you needed , not minding that I always came in second place..  
Then there was Isaac, who was slowly crawling in to your life and replacing me, but I told myself not to freak out , that Isaac was only trumatised kid who's looking for a friend and you were only helping him for a short while, oh but then again you bit Liam and once over , you were ignoring my calls and my texts because apparently, you were too busy training him to even talk to me , even when I tried to help with him , you made it crystal clear that I am not a wolf so I don't even know what I am talking about !  
It is funny that you say that because I wasn't there at all when you was freshly bitten and losing your freaking mind! I wasn't the one who grounded you many damn times!

It took me getting possessed to get your attention, Scott, and even though your promised me you will never give up on me, you didn't stick to your word when I needed you to believe in me the most.

Remember Donovan!

I thought no matter how things were tense between us you would never ignore me and believe Thio! _Thio_! _the creepy kid we didn't really know and who turned to be killing Chimaera , Thio !_  
You trusted him more than me!  
And for that he almost get my dad killed!  
Do you know how many nightmare and panic attack I had over this ?

I was always afraid to leave Beacon hill to not to lose my friends, but thanks to you I knew how did that feel without even leaving my own room.  
Suddenly, I had to fight for you without ever knowing how the hell I lost you in the first place? !  
I only envy you because you easily grew up while I didn't, you would be easily leaving this town with no strings to hold you back while I would have kept mourning losing your friendship. ..  
Blissfully enough , If you are reading this , it means I am not around anymore and you could go on with your life without my heavy weight keeping you behind, if you still care at all , this is the only gift I can offer you my brother and I hope you enjoy it".. .

................


End file.
